Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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