I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
