She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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