Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Boobs speak an international language.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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