when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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