i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
