If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...