the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
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She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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