Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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