Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
