I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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