Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
