guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.