I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
