i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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