I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
