Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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