So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
