got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
