i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I am one with the molecules
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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