Where did you get a picture of my penis
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
