I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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