Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
