My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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