i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
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Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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