She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I need to calm my uterus...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
