WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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