You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize