I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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