there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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