Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
