Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
