meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
