it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
