Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
