Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
