I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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