The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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