There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
