I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
