I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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