You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
