My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
