omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
