My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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