she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.