Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
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You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
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If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on