Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
