i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize