Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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