We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
