we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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