Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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