i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
