Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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