Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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