I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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