I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
