We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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