so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
someone threw a dead crab at me
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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