so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
